Choosing Forgiveness
I am sure that everyone, at one time in their life, has experienced being hurt by another person. Most times the hurt comes from a breach of trust that we have placed in someone close to us: someone steals from us, marital infidelity, divorce, and physical abuse are some of those breaches.
Being hurt by someone close to us can generate some very strong emotions; unfortunately, the emotions that being hurt generates are negative ones. Anger, betrayal, sadness, and other feelings similar to these are entirely normal reactions to the hurt.
While these are normal reactions, what is not normal is allowing these feelings to consume you to the point where they become unhealthy, affect your attitude, or cause you to cease being able to enjoy life.
As devastating as the effect that being hurt can be, I believe it is crucial to try to find a way to maintain a healthy attitude, move forward in life, and not let any negative emotions that might result from the hurt rule you.
Getting over the hurt takes some time. It is similar to coping with the death of a loved one. When someone that is close to you dies you need time to grieve – to let go. Once the grieving period is over it is time to begin the healing process.
For someone who is dealing with significant emotional pain caused by being hurt, first they must grieve for the breach and loss of trust. After that, the healing that needs to take place begins. And this healing starts with a choice: choosing not to live in the negative but rather letting go of the negative feelings and moving on.
How do you break that tie and free yourself? How do you move on past the hurt?
You must choose forgiveness. You must truly choose to forgive the person that has hurt you for the actions they have taken that has led to the hurt.
By forgiving, we do not change things that have already happened to us. Through forgiveness we can certainly change our outlook on life and how we envision our future.
There is a saying with regard to our attitude: life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. While being hurt by someone close to us can be quite a traumatic experience, our reaction to it can be changed from one that can rule our life with negative emotions to one that is more healthy for us.
The ability to forgive is a very freeing quality.
The greatest effect that someone hurting you can have is that their actions bind you to that person forever unless you learn how to break the emotional tie that the hurt creates. You easily can become a slave to the emotions that are created by the hurt.
Sometimes we make a choice not to have the people who have been hurtful to us in our lives any longer . However, the emotional ties that bind you to this person may linger much longer than does the actual relationship to the person.
Through forgiveness you cut the ties that bind you to the person that has hurt you. Forgiveness allows you to take control. Forgiveness allows you to be in charge of the situation rather than the situation being in charge of you.
Choose forgiveness and choose freedom.
Very true and inspiring message.
1Deep and thought provoking- applicable to the vast majority of people. Thanks for writing it. I always knew you had special talents to inspire people!
2Keep up the good work. You may have been “chosen” because of these talents.
“Sometimes we make a choice not to have the people who have been hurtful to us in our lives any longer.”
I have done this and I have forgiven them through prayer, but what about when that choice to no longer have them in your life affects family around you? And they don’t get it? How do you get past that? I feel I am being true to myself and God understands the injustice that was committed, but am I suppose to sacrifice myself for others sake?
3Terry,
Sometimes the choices we need to make for ourselves can be very unpopular; especially if the people around you cannot understand your choice.
Only you can decide what is healthy for you. You need to try to explain it to the people around you and hope they will understand.
I have done something like this in the past and although I never tell anyone they have to like or agree with my decision, I ask that those around me understand and respect my decision.
4Please do not put pressure on someone by demanding they forgive you. Confess that you know the hurt or pain that you caused but asking someone to forgive you and putting it back on them to do so is not right.
5I am “the other woman”. It hurts to even say that, but its true. We both have committed adultery and ask for forgiveness daily. A Pastor had made the comment that we will not make it, the world around us will crumble. I’m not sure what to think about that.
6For the past 6 months I have been in turmoil, trying to find out a way to solve a personal problem with a very close relative. I have been very angry, confused, hurt, and felt very used and cheated by her. Deep down in my heart, I came to realize only recently that the only way I will be able to move on with my life and with “myself” is to forgive this person. But I also realized that I needed to have her out of my life too… a very difficult decision, also making me feel terribly guilty as she is family.
7Then, out of the blue a notice appears on my facebook page and gets me reading on this topic… it could have been me writing these articles as they are so spot on!
Thanks Elmer for your words ,… they have come at the right time for me…doesn’t the Lord move in “amazing” mysterious ways. Thank you!
Last year on May 7,2009 my 31 year old son took his life. His father went to his house and found him.We had talked to him about so many things in the month prior to his death. He told about about his wife and her boyfriend, he told us about someone putting something in his drink on April 18th less than three weeks later he was dead. He told us about the diarreah and that he couldn’t urinate the day before he died.He held his stomach when he walked because he was in pain. He told us that on the 4th of April he had an arguement with his wife that the medication she was on called Adderall was not good and he thought she should get off of it (he looked it up on the computer and it is like cocaine). We talked to the prosecuter and he wanted us to tell the investigator so we did, they said we would know more when the toxicology test came in.So we waited we were expecting an investigation so was the investigator and the prosecutor.On September 2 2009 we received a phone call from the investigator, she said the medical examiner did not even do a toxicology test.His wife had him cremated right away and she took his ashes and scattered them in many different places, we could not even test anything, there was no body to get blood, there was no body to test for drugs in his body. There was no ashes to even test.She discarded evey trace of him. we had to deal with the death of our son, we have had to deal with suicide, we have also had to deal with the fact that she was a major cause of his death, if she did put a drug in his drink, maybe the Adderall that our son wanted her to get off of.I have to forgive, because I was forgiven, because I will stand in front of my Lord one day and I want to be right with Him.So I had to choose to forgive her.
8Ahhh…My Lord, help!
9It s hard to forgive when someone u trust hurts u… somebody thats suppose to protect u, somebody thats suppose to love u… through all the hurt and pain, u can someday find forgivenes through God, but iam not sure u can ever forget, the pain and hurt fades through time and the more u discover God and learn of his love u can heal, it will always be apart of u, but its a part that makes u a better person, a stronger, wiser person, its a slow process, but its possible to beat it, instead of it beating u… i encourage anyone thats been hurt by a parent by sexural abuse or any abuse to be a OVERCOMER, dont let it beat u down, be strong and rely on GOD because thats where the true strength comes from… choose to forgive… and let God heal your heart and take away your pain… God bless
10Oh Lord, come quickly….
11Butterflywings, Thank you for your In-Put, it’s not The For- givness, Braking The Trust…;(… By4Now!
12MOOR TO COME…
13Thanks! I needed to hear that!
14Thank you butterflywings, I would like to choose to forgive, but when it is in your life everyday because of another parent that you just cannot leave do to their age, what do you do? He reminds me everyday and infuriates and makes my blood boil on a daily basis and he is always belittleing me and making fun of me, especially when other family members are around because he thinks it makes him look superior yet he claims to be this almighty christian. What do you do then? I do admire your input and hope someday I can put it to use…
15Sometimes not so easy part of the forgiveness is the expectancy afterward……
16So true….one day at a time….
17Dear Elmer:
18I am a person who has been told I have been “forgien” for things that hurt my child terribly many years ago, but which my child cannot forget. As a result, my child has shut me completely out of her life. She was molested by her step-father at the age of 6. I was 26 at the time. I had made many mistakes prior to the molestation, including 3 other marriages from age 18 to that time. I was raised in a very dysfunctional family, and had no real guidance or love by anyone. At the time of my daughter’s molestation, I had so many things running through my mind that I didn’t know what the right thing was to do. I wanted to kill the molester, and at the same time, I wanted to protect my child. I called my minister for guidance, and was told to stay with him, just see that he got help, and don’t leave my child alone with him. My then husband left and entered a VA hospital, telling them he felt he had no reason to live. I found out later he never was treated for the abuse of my child, and his entering the hospital was merely a way to keep from being arrested and prosecuted. After he was released from the hospital about three months later, he came home. I never left my daughter alone with him again; however, I did not find out until after I divorced him some nine months later, that when I would go to bed and go to sleep (I was, and still am, a very sound sleeper), he would get up and go into her room. Our divorce occurred after he started bringing Hustler magazines into our home and I caught him in an affair with someone with whom he worked. Upon going to my attorney for the divorce, I asked if we could prosecute him for his molestation of my daughter. I was told it would not be advisable, because the events had occurred a year earlier, and it would not be good for my daughter to have to relive those events on the stand in a courtroom full of people. (Bear in mind, I was not aware at this time that the molestation had been ongoing). The divorce was finalized and we went our separate ways. My daughter blames me for “defending” him, which I did not in any way do, but she feels I did for accepting him back into our home and for not prosecuting him at the time of our divorce. She also blames me for not knowing the name of her biological father. She believes I should be able to remember his name (which I have tried to remember, but cannot because I have never been good at remembering names, and the man who could be her biological father and I only dated a few times. My daughter says she has forgiven me, but cannot forget, and does not want anything to do with me. Further, she and her husband have discussed these things in front of and with their children, poisoning them against me. I have tried to talk through this situation with my daughter to no avail, and she has broken off all communication with me. I totally understand her anger and bitterness, and I have apologized and asked her forgiveness many times, and made every effort possible to reconcile. I have accepted my responsibility in allowing this molester back into my home to continue to molest her, and for not being able to remember the man’s name who could be her father. She has continued to punish me over the past 34 years for these things, and cannot understand that I am not that person any longer; and have not been that person for many years. I desperately want to reconcile with her and have at least a civil relationship with she and my grandchildren and be able to visit with them. She is my only child. I know I have been forgiven for any part I had in her pain, and I have finally been able to forgive myself. However, I do not feel that she has been able to truly forgive me and give her pain and anger to the Lord rather than holding onto such bitterness from now on. I am no longer deserving of it, and had no actual part in her molestation. I have even offered, and tried, to locate her molestor hoping that if he is located he could be prosecuted and I would be more than willing to testify on her behalf if it would help her to heal and to realize that I am not the one who did the molesting, nor did I permit it, nor did I defend the molestor in any way. I did not know, and when I found out, I tried to seek advice wiser than my own, and when I filed for divorce, I had no idea the molestation had been ongoing. I would to God that I could go back and change all that happened, but I cannot, and apologizing is all that I can do; however, she has chosen not to accept my apologies, which to me equates to not forgiving me. I wish I had someone to intervene, and counsel both of us, but she will not agree to do so. I feel she will never truly have peace until she is able to work through, and leave the past in the past, and truly forgive. We COULD have a good relationship if she would only let go of her bitterness and anger directed at me, and give those things to the Lord.
She refuses my calls, will not answer her door, and I don’t know if she would read a letter or not. What, if anything can I do to initiate reconciliation?
I have been hurt very badly by someone who was supposed to love me. It hurt me to the very core and has broken my heart. I have been obssessing about it constantly. I look for this person all the time. I go to where he might be. I do not make any contact at all. I scream to myself how much I hate him for this. I have shredded his pictures and cursed him continually. But at the same time I love him and miss him, but realize it is over. I didn’t know if I could get past this and move on, but after reading this I see how I have to forgive him and move on with my life or I will continue to feel pain and hate forever. Forgiving doesn’t mean I have to be with him again, but I have to let it go and I see this is the right way. Thank you so much. Thank you God for showing me this site. It was the answer to my prayer.
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